crazed

i was pulling my hair over when i would see gregg again.

most probably, i'm going to see him tomorrow, when work resumes, but of course, you cannot talk sense to madness; it just would not wait. i wasted time earlier, checking on his usual haunt, for evidence of his being there. i met disappointment in the face, naturally.

gregg. i see him in the monitor.

gregg. i hear him in my playlist.

gregg. i smell him in my cinnamon swirl.

gregg. i breathe him.

circles

this too shall pass. hopefully.

t.d. surprised me in the afternoon of christmas day when she sent me a text message saying that she broke down and cried like hell when, in the middle of having fun with her family, the thought of m.h. just suddenly flitted by. it was not surprising to know that she cried in his memory- she always does; what surprised me was how she could have cried like crazy in front of everyone!

i've always felt that we both are in the same situation, but i can control such outbursts of emotion. i don't know if i should be envious- she can express herself anytime, anywhere, with anyone; i cannot. so, with all the humor and the bitterness in me, i told her, "but of course, you are crazy. we're the same in that respect. i almost cried myself when i had to spend christmas eve without gregg, but i got brave. you have to do the same. be brave. just try not to fall asleep, because i did."

i always try to make her feel better, even when i know everything is futile. i should know.

last night, i saw gregg just once- and he was asleep.

nothing can comfort me.

wishes

alone.

that's how i spent christmas eve last night. i've spent such eves in the office for the past three years, so it was something different. the difference, however, was far from being appreciated as i slept the whole of it! ha-ha. everyone was away, and i was kind of tired and well-spent, anyway...

my first thought this morning was how gregg spent his. with winnie, i'm sure. having a spanking good time. or sleeping. the guy sleeps all the time- what with his boring girlfriend and all! ha-ha. mean, at such a time like this. sorry. i take that back. i wish he had a great time, with whomever he spent it.

and i wish we could spend new year's eve together. well, i will be in the office for year-end churvanesses, and i'm hoping he would be too, for whatever churvanesses.

merry christmas, all!

colors

he wore red yesterday.

he looked bright and becoming. i fell in love with him all over again- an incredible phenomenon, which is made even more incredible by the fact that i have never fallen out of love since the day i first admitted to loving him: a double duh, a double ding, and a double disaster.

and i need a double punch in the head to wake up from this miserable enchantment. though i doubt it would have its desired effect- because everything becomes nothing when i look into his eyes (uh-oh, uh-oh!)- i'm not afraid to give it a try. those who will carry on the task of punching me will have to think twice, unfortunately. gregg has the biggest and the strongest-looking biceps in my part of the universe, so... haha!

so, anyhow, i realized that whatever color he wears, my heart will always just go jumping, jumping. the color of his (or their- his and winnie's) new blanket fooled me though- i did not recognize him until two hours later when i first spied him on his side of the lounge. curses, curses.

i'm still in love.

irony

oh my God!

i so pity him. he's just right here, snoring his brains out while winnie is starbucks-ing wih her fatty gang! if, by some stroke of wicked, twisted fate, i were to own his heart, he would never, ever, ever fall asleep; my most difficult challenge in this lifetime is to keep quiet for at least 3 minutes- putting it to good use will benefit me and him, naturally! we will both have a spanking good time talking about us, and everything else prior.

obviously, he's the one asleep, but why am i the one dreaming?

scream

gawd!

i couldn't believe my eyes when i saw him in the lobby, sitting, looking bored and spoiled, as always. how could it have been easy to believe when momenst ago, i was just thinking and blogging about him?! i was taken by surprise, but acted cool, as is my wont in his presence.

i threw him a look, like the one i usually save for non-issues. he looked back, and resumed in his boredom and his thoughts.

i want to scream!

aaaaahhhhh!!!!!

caffeine + gregg = doom

i just had an espresso frappe- grande, the right size for me, no matter what type of drink i order- and cinnamon swirl, one of my two bread addictions (the other being breadtalk's floss varieties), so i cannot sleep.

i was with roxy, the only one who understands my promiscuity. and who accepts it as if it were the norm. i speak of the p word, because that's what we (in part) came to starbucks for (is it coincidence that the p object's name starts with exactly the letter p, too?), in this night of maddening holiday traffic. whatever the case, we did not find p there tonight, but i got to see this pretty barista up close. we used to think she hated roxy (for reasons that were not obvious, especially since she and roxy both live in the same building- the excelsior) but i heard and saw her greet roxy with enthusiasm and energy that must have come from a bottomless pit- for it was infectious and did not seem to end- and which smothered our doubts to oblivion. how foolish of us to to have even thought she held something against roxy!

well, anyhow, we retreated to our corner of the coffee shop- there, where we could see the comings and goings and spot the spottable and unspottable- and talked about, guess who- gregg. he would always be part of my thoughts, if not the whole of them. and as in every sigle preceding gregg conversation, i expressed my hope for him to talk to me as a friend would to another; we could pick it up from there, you know (hoping, hoping). all i got from him so far, were smiles of the uncertain kind- "should i smile or should i not?", was what i thought he must have been thinking in those rare occasions. sometimes i wonder, "is he even really smiling at me?" i mean, it's possible that i was just imagining him smiling- for all i know, he could be smirking all this time! curse him for all his ambiguities- he is successfully driving me to the edge!

here's how.

there were days when i would find him waiting for the elevator down, and i would go back hide where i came from (to avoid him, dummy), but i would come out (later, after forever) finding him where i had seen him, and i would have no choice but to take the same elevator that he would. at other times, i would go sleep in the lounge, fearing that my eyes wouldn't make it home straight from the office to my bed, and wake up, catching him watching (or seeming to watch) my waking actions (i.e., smoothing my ever-growing frizzy hair, yawning, et cetera). and we also have our pantry moments; having lunch together, one or two tables apart, and always, always, throwing glances each other's way. but we NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER talk!

i have tried to fathom my inadequacy to keep him out of my system, but it is not something within analytical range, so i let it on, to ravage what's left of my common sense and uncommon sensibility. i gave his presence power over my actions, his voice dominion over my realm. everything i do when he's around is for show- for him to catch, to hear, to see and hopefully, to like and long for...

what can i do? fall out of love?

i wish.

sighs

and so it happens that he shows up whenever i least expect him to.

but don't get me wrong; i'm not complaining. fact is, i look forward to breathing the same air he does, all the time. something soothes my heart everytime i lay my eyes on him. it makes me sigh as i try to catch my breath. i feel everything solid about me turn to mush when he looks at me.

he looks at me. i do not know what to do, or how to act. it always happens, but today, it's gotten worse, which may be partly because i have decided to accept the fact that i'm in love, and partly because i know there is no way that what i feel will ever be requited aptly. it seems like a tragedy, but i'm grateful for every moment. the realization makes me feel more strongly about everything that surrounds the circumstance of our being in the same place, at the same time, in what i hope to be in the same unexplainable feeling of being lifted higher by forces far greater than any other that physics could explain.

i am so in love that coherence is my weakest point right now. my way of thinking just doesn't seem to go one way or another- it leads everywhere. anything from the mind going blank to processing every single stimulus can happen, and nothing makes sense, in any event, or non-event. and frankly, i do not care. what's important is, my senses feel him.

introduction

the mistress of gregg.

who is gregg? he is the lounge parasite. winnie's 100+ month-long love.

who is gregg to me? my stalkee. my reason for smiling the silly high school smile. my means to a semi-normal lovelife (or the lack of one). my purpose for the i-have-all-the-time-in-the-world belief.

i am the mistress.