if there's any way for me to go back and reprogram my heart, i think i would.
not.
sure, it's distressing to always find something to love in some people who are not necesssarily free to find and acknowledge something lovable about me. but what's getting something without the excitement of the chase? it's all about the chase, you see. one who has loved me before i have even felt anything for him is definitely out of the running to becoming my heart's next top stalkee because obviously, you don't chase after something that is headed your way.
that is how i understand, and explain my obsession with the unobtainable.
i love it when people tell me i'm aiming for things far from reach. it's a challenge that i cannot let pass. i don't have illusions of having more power and clout needed to change the rules pertaining to the possible and the impossible, but the very idea of proving something is in itself a force to power even the weakest of weaklings.
and i am not a weakling, so what's to keep me from doing what i do?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
turnaround
i'm finding myself buried- deeper than i thought i would ever be- in a game that i have invented.
it's that game where i pretend to love coffee so much that i have to get at least a cup every night, where i also pretend that it's alright for me to be up and present at least two hours before i'm actually needed to be up and present, and where i also pretend to be disinterested all the time to keep the game as interesting as it should be. while all these pretensions seem complex, the object of the game is simple: to catch j.
"simple" is subjective, of course, and i used to believe that i'm one of those who get it. today, however, a few hours after i got off the bed, in the company of friends from college, i began to entertain doubts of my own. the doubts must have sprung from the fact that these friends have gone "serious"; the quality must have rubbed off on me, for now, i feel like i want to take things seriously and be taken the same way.
so off i went to see if the object of the game has changed.
it has. and it no longer involves j.
because all i see is the letter d.
it's that game where i pretend to love coffee so much that i have to get at least a cup every night, where i also pretend that it's alright for me to be up and present at least two hours before i'm actually needed to be up and present, and where i also pretend to be disinterested all the time to keep the game as interesting as it should be. while all these pretensions seem complex, the object of the game is simple: to catch j.
"simple" is subjective, of course, and i used to believe that i'm one of those who get it. today, however, a few hours after i got off the bed, in the company of friends from college, i began to entertain doubts of my own. the doubts must have sprung from the fact that these friends have gone "serious"; the quality must have rubbed off on me, for now, i feel like i want to take things seriously and be taken the same way.
so off i went to see if the object of the game has changed.
it has. and it no longer involves j.
because all i see is the letter d.
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