i saw my face in the mirror earlier today.
i saw the lines lining the forehead and slowly creeping around the eyes. i saw the shimmer of oil on the surface of every single pore, disturbed only by a spot dried by the saltiness of tears- the kind that you shed upon waking up from a bad dream.
it was a nightmare- chased by my own people's ghosts. hugged tightly by my deceased loved ones- so tight that that i felt i was joining them shortly.
i woke up crying because i felt bad- running away from them, resisting their embrace.
but i was fighting to live. i wanted so hard to live. or so i felt.
then i woke up.
and i am alive.
but so are guilt and shame.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
asterisks
i'm playing hard to get.
not (again).
i saw jake last night after what seemed like forever. our last interaction before last night's had been last saturday, so, forever, if we need to be mathematical about this is, about 5 days? maybe. i'm not so sure- i don't carry a calculator with me at all times, no?!
so anyways, i saw him last night. and i could not bring myself to face him and talk to him about anything, valid or not. valid would be ordering for a venti cup of espresso frappuccino; not would be saying something like, "you fooled me! you said last saturday that you were doing the night shift starting sunday, but you weren't here monday! and tuesday! and wednesday (i don't mean for this to sound like i go there every night for him, but if it does, maybe what you read is what you get?)!" the not would include beating his bumpy *ss cheeks flat. hihihi.
in the end, i didn't get to talk to him. he was not in the counter when i went for my coffee. i was both glad and disappointed. glad, because i didn't have to add one more scene to my 'awkward moments' list. disappointed, because the itchy b*tch (or wh*re) in me wanted to have a word (a sweet one) with him. and more words, if he wasn't too busy to join me (the friends i'm with don't matter when i talk to him; they just seem to disappear from my awareness).
a friend may have been right: i'm acting like a schoolgirl.
school. i love school!
not (again).
i saw jake last night after what seemed like forever. our last interaction before last night's had been last saturday, so, forever, if we need to be mathematical about this is, about 5 days? maybe. i'm not so sure- i don't carry a calculator with me at all times, no?!
so anyways, i saw him last night. and i could not bring myself to face him and talk to him about anything, valid or not. valid would be ordering for a venti cup of espresso frappuccino; not would be saying something like, "you fooled me! you said last saturday that you were doing the night shift starting sunday, but you weren't here monday! and tuesday! and wednesday (i don't mean for this to sound like i go there every night for him, but if it does, maybe what you read is what you get?)!" the not would include beating his bumpy *ss cheeks flat. hihihi.
in the end, i didn't get to talk to him. he was not in the counter when i went for my coffee. i was both glad and disappointed. glad, because i didn't have to add one more scene to my 'awkward moments' list. disappointed, because the itchy b*tch (or wh*re) in me wanted to have a word (a sweet one) with him. and more words, if he wasn't too busy to join me (the friends i'm with don't matter when i talk to him; they just seem to disappear from my awareness).
a friend may have been right: i'm acting like a schoolgirl.
school. i love school!
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